As I'm approaching 30, I am trying to get back in control of my life. My weight has been some what of a yo-yo situation for quite a few years. For the most part, I weighed the same.. just my fat seemed to just move to wherever I didn't want it.. and I know how that sounds, but it's very upsetting when people you have lost weight "for sure" when they see you and you know, That you weigh exactly the same. In the end, I just stopped checking. No matter what I ate, My weight seemed to have just decided to sit at 14 stone so I decided to leave it there. I decided to become at peace with it. That's when It started screwing me over.
Three years ago, I got the contraceptive implant. On being weighed, They told me I was 14 and a half stone. I couldn't believe that. I assumed it was because my boyfriend was driving me to drink perhaps. I didn't even like him as a person and we were not a happy couple and we didn't want to have children together. I had meant to get it when I had been with my previous boyfriend because he kept telling me how great it would be if I fell pregnant with ginger haired twins.. As you can tell, I have fantastic taste in men! However, The nurse, Tried to talk me out of it.. Which I found very bizarre.. She told me that I would gain weight from it and was I sure I wanted it.. Since I would gain a hell of a lot more weight if I was pregnant, I didn't really see the point of her argument.. I didn't gain weight with the implant at all. I was also period free for over a year and a half. It was fantastic. Best thing I have ever done!
I have only gained weight as the time was coming up to it being removed. I suppose it's expected, My hormones are returning to normal, My boyfriend of two and a half years moved away and I found comfort in cake and Christmas baking. Very typically, The one man that I love to bones of and the man I probably would marry and have children with and all that jazz.. Found his long lost family and moved to America to be with them. That's typically me all over. I'll probably never be happy because I can't figure out what I want from life.. I think I know, Then I change my mind. I'm not the best girlfriend kind of person.. We made the most of the time we had left together and ate like Kings. I had been trying to diet on and off because I just could feel myself getting fatter.. and you always know this happens in relationships. You eat when you are happy and you eat when you are sad. It's Mother Nature, She's a twisted bitch.
Well, Every time I would eat all this lovely food. He would treat me. One day, He told me to close my eyes and he bought in a surprise. I was hoping it was a box of chocolates or maybe some flowers as I worked so hard to support as both. Pizza, Dough balls, chocolate and crisps. He would say I deserved it because I'd been working so hard to eat so healthy. Eventually I gave in. He was just a snack monster. He was so sweet, I would have never have said a word. He cooked all the dinners because he wasn't working and I was working all day long. He did the shopping and this took it's toll. Convinced the scales were broken, when I weighed myself at my Dad's seeing that I was over 14 and a half stone again, I started to get a bit worried. This isn't what I wanted to be. I didn't want to be the fattest sister, I didn't want to be someone's fat mushroom girlfriend.. but all you hear when you want to loose weight, is people telling you, You don't need to loose any weight. I had an argument with my Doctor after a spell in hospital with stomach cramps, I'd been on a diet for quite a while and my weight was at a stand still and he told me I'd better had lost weight before I next saw him. I was frustrated with my weight beyond belief. I'd been trying so hard and I felt like I'd been called a liar.
In July I'd hurt my back quite badly, so obviously he didn't mention my weight.. I've never had the motivation to exercise since school. I was very active and used to trampoline and all sorts.. but I hurt my knee and I lost all confidence. It would twist out and I was just too scared to put it through anything. I think that is when I had originally started to gain weight. I hurt the ankle on the same leg, which locks when I try to jog or run. The amount of times that I have run across the road, had my ankle click out and nearly get run over by the car I was trying to beat across the road. I think the fear of injury has made me so lazy. Now, I'm scared of hurting my back. I first pulled the muscles in my lower back about seven years ago. I used to work in an office and one day, I was just loading the washing machine and I couldn't stand up. I soon learnt how to relax the muscle when it went into spasm. I had quite a ritual.. I pulled it about a year and a half ago and was in pain for days and was off work for about a week, Then really done it bad in July. I couldn't relax the muscle, I tried everything. I tried to work like it for two weeks, I shouldn't have done that. I ended up being off work for about three more weeks. It was the worst pain of my life so now I'm very cautious and if it starts to ache, I try and walk it off and rest it.
The only thing I do seriously is walk. I walk miles. People think I'm crazy. I walk three towns away to go to the big supermarket just for the walk. It takes about 30-40 mins on a good day. Walking home takes longer with the weight of the shopping. People think It's not normal but everyone is so obsessed with getting in a car to go somewhere it would take them 10-15 mins to walk. I have never understood it. I'd rather walk.. Mainly because I'm a friend to the environment and mainly because I get motion sickness.
Two months of being alone, it was apparent that cake was now the love of my life. I'd bought the wii fit in the September and thought when my boyfriend left, It would cure the lonely times and boredom. How wrong I was. I barely went on it. My Wii character was very tubby, It made me feel horrible. The blasted thing would call me overweight everyday then obese! So I stopped playing. I had given up on it nearly straight away. I'd been baking loads and having cake and custard. Ultimate Comfort Food!! At 5 foot 8, I'm tall and I can carry weigh off quite well. No-one ever believes what I say I weigh. It makes it so much harder to try and shift it because everyone tells you that there is no need to diet. I decided in the New Year, I was going to start fresh and really try to shift a few pounds so in January, I started trying to make a plan on how I wanted 2013 to go down. Two weeks into January, I had been enjoying myself since New Year and consumed three bottles of vodka with friends. I got invited to a friends Birthday Party, I really struggled finding something to wear. Everything was tight.. I'd barely been out socially in the past two years, Being a part of relationship you tend to neglect your friends and social duties I suppose.. I didn't feel fantastic that night, I felt really overweight.
I browsed on-line at Slimming World, My friend at work had just started it and said she felt fantastic. I'd always heard good things about Slimming World but most of the groups were too early or during the day when I would be at work. There had been a new group opened nearby at the start of the year, I thought joining a new group, a lot of people would be at the same stage as me, Just trying to change, just trying to loose weight. I started to text a few friends and trying to get someone to go with me for support. Everyone said No, They couldn't afford it or They couldn't commit to it because their life was so hectic. My Auntie, (Not my Aunt by Blood, She was my mother's best friend and we would never be without her. She's awesome) has slowly gained weight over the past few years and I was a little nervous about asking her. I didn't want her to feel insulted. I eventually text her husband and he text me back saying she was really excited about the prospect and has wanted to go to a Slimming Group for a long time but had no-one to go with!
I contacted the consultant Jackie and we had a really good chat. I told her what I wanted to achieve and how my Aunt was a Vegetarian and allergic to gelatine and is quite restricted in her dietary needs so had been resorting to snack food a lot of the time. Eating Meat would ultimately kill her so I asked her about the Vegetarian plan that I'd read about on the website. We had a good chat and went to our first meeting the first week of February. I weighed in at 15 stone 9.5, to be honest as shocked as I was that my weight had gone over 15 and a half stone I knew for sure that would be the very last time I saw that number on the scales. I knew I had made the right choice and both my Aunt have lost over a stone and we are both eleven weeks in. All I know for sure is I want to get back to 14 stone because that's honestly, what I thought I weighed, Then I can go from there. I am at last feeling a bit in control of my weight so now I can try to start figuring everything else out!
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Life Navigation
I am the type of person who likes to be fully in control of every single aspect of their life, However sometimes we all become complacent and just let things happen.. We go with the flow and just let life drift along. It makes you fall back to reality with a bump when you realise that this isn't what you planned, even if you didn't have a plan, you know for sure that this isn't what it would be. The fact that I'm nearly 30 has been troubling me for the past three years. I've never ever had issues with age, Never worried about it at all.. but all of a sudden I am thinking about this constantly. It makes me think to someone asking when when I was a girl, I thought I would be married with a house and a baby by the time I was 25 and since it seemed ages away, I never really gave it much thought.. I like to be in control and I will not do what others suggest and I will not do what other people told me to do. I'm quite stubborn like that and I've been assured that it's purely genetic.
The first hit of procrastination in the greater scheme of things was the fact that as a teenager, you become the baby sitter for your siblings and any other random 30-something with kids that your parents know. I used to find it easy, growing up in a large family it's second nature to me to take care of little ones.. Also, I am also pretty OCD and I cannot look at a dirty kitchen so I used to get the baby or children to sleep and clean the kitchen because I was "bored". It made me a very popular baby sitter.. It's easier than saying, Why is your kitchen so filthy.. Anyway, The marvels I performed as a cleaner seemed to go unnoticed because clearly, I was so good with children that I had time to blitz the kitchen when clearly, The parents never found the time.. They would say, "Oh you are so good with children.. When are you going to have your own?" I'm sure in some way, Saying this to a single teenager is what's wrong with society . However, I got this response so often I started telling them I didn't want to have any children. When you say something enough, It actually starts to become true.
I don't know about anyone else, but when you tell someone with Children that you don't want Children of your own.. They look horrified.. They look at you with a look that makes you think you might have said you kill children. I've had this for years. When my cousin had her first daughter, I used to go round everyday, help her with the baby and help her get the shopping done.. I didn't have to clean her kitchen.. Her partner was a bit of a control freak and I didn't mind just playing with the baby. I went into full-time helper mode when my sister had a son. She had him at 18 and obviously, I'm 18 months older than she is.. I helped her out a lot.. I cleaned her kitchen.. It bought us a lot closer. We spent so much time together looking after my nephew the three of us had a really nice bond. I did what any normal person would do when their teenage sister has a baby. I did what any older sister would do.. and people were like, "Oh you are so good with your nephew, When are you going to have your own?" I was single.. and nearly a twenty-something..
As much as I loved my nephew, It was not the life that I wanted for myself. I used to have a bit of a four week rule on relationships. Somehow, I had become very commitment phobic.. I don't know whether I was scared of being stuck with someone, I don't know. One of my first relationships, I was put under quite a lot of pressure from my mother to get rid of him. Even though he had a really nice smile, She didn't want him in her house. I later figured out that I think she was scared someone was going to take me away. People used to ask me out and I'd say no because my life was just too busy. One of my biggest problems is that I make myself busy. I think if you come from a big family like ours, You either really want a big family or you don't. I don't think I could handle it. I think that's why out of the six siblings, Two so far have become parents. I am very happy being Auntie. I always have been. My nephew is now nine years old. My other sister has another nephew for me on the way. I am excited. It feels like a lifetime since we've had a baby in the family.
I have been working in the same job for nearly six years. I got given full time hours, then promoted. I love working face to face with the customers, I have a lot of passion in what I do.. But I do not see how people stop. I couldn't leave, having a child has become more and more unrealistic because I will never find the time in my busy schedule. I'm 28 years old, Work full time and rent a studio flat. It's frustrating that if I just earn a little bit more, I could probably be renting a house instead. I feel like at this age, I should be much better off. Times are hard.. so just thinking that when I was 10, Being married with a house and a baby seemed like such an easy thing.. It makes me want to slap the 10 year old me for being so ridiculous, but I just cannot stop thinking about it. I have just come out of a two and a half relationship and people always ask me if I can afford the rent on my own. That's why I moved here. I'm really organised, it's close to work. It's my own space. I can do what I want and not have to answer to anybody. Sure some months are tight but what they really mean, is "You are nearly 30 and you live in a studio flat because you don't have a husband." I have always been pretty independent and I do not like the feeling that I'm getting that people think I cannot achieve what I want on my own. I do not know if I want a child or to be married. I would like a house though, That would be fantastic. I would love to have a house and have it how I want it.. I don't want to answer to anyone. I'm being developed at work and hopefully it will lead to a better paid position.
Ending point, If people hadn't suggested to me when I was a teenager that all I was good for was being a teenage mother, I wouldn't have stuck to my guns and had the work ethic I have now. I am always there for my family 110% and I am quite close to all my sisters. We all have a separate bond that's different. I think 10 year old girls need better role models.. Maybe Disney should make a film with someone who has a fantastic career and has real goals and celebrates the best achievements in her life because they are stepping stones to what she wants to work hard for instead of pretty princesses who are swept off their feet and you never really know how the marriage works out..
The first hit of procrastination in the greater scheme of things was the fact that as a teenager, you become the baby sitter for your siblings and any other random 30-something with kids that your parents know. I used to find it easy, growing up in a large family it's second nature to me to take care of little ones.. Also, I am also pretty OCD and I cannot look at a dirty kitchen so I used to get the baby or children to sleep and clean the kitchen because I was "bored". It made me a very popular baby sitter.. It's easier than saying, Why is your kitchen so filthy.. Anyway, The marvels I performed as a cleaner seemed to go unnoticed because clearly, I was so good with children that I had time to blitz the kitchen when clearly, The parents never found the time.. They would say, "Oh you are so good with children.. When are you going to have your own?" I'm sure in some way, Saying this to a single teenager is what's wrong with society . However, I got this response so often I started telling them I didn't want to have any children. When you say something enough, It actually starts to become true.
I don't know about anyone else, but when you tell someone with Children that you don't want Children of your own.. They look horrified.. They look at you with a look that makes you think you might have said you kill children. I've had this for years. When my cousin had her first daughter, I used to go round everyday, help her with the baby and help her get the shopping done.. I didn't have to clean her kitchen.. Her partner was a bit of a control freak and I didn't mind just playing with the baby. I went into full-time helper mode when my sister had a son. She had him at 18 and obviously, I'm 18 months older than she is.. I helped her out a lot.. I cleaned her kitchen.. It bought us a lot closer. We spent so much time together looking after my nephew the three of us had a really nice bond. I did what any normal person would do when their teenage sister has a baby. I did what any older sister would do.. and people were like, "Oh you are so good with your nephew, When are you going to have your own?" I was single.. and nearly a twenty-something..
As much as I loved my nephew, It was not the life that I wanted for myself. I used to have a bit of a four week rule on relationships. Somehow, I had become very commitment phobic.. I don't know whether I was scared of being stuck with someone, I don't know. One of my first relationships, I was put under quite a lot of pressure from my mother to get rid of him. Even though he had a really nice smile, She didn't want him in her house. I later figured out that I think she was scared someone was going to take me away. People used to ask me out and I'd say no because my life was just too busy. One of my biggest problems is that I make myself busy. I think if you come from a big family like ours, You either really want a big family or you don't. I don't think I could handle it. I think that's why out of the six siblings, Two so far have become parents. I am very happy being Auntie. I always have been. My nephew is now nine years old. My other sister has another nephew for me on the way. I am excited. It feels like a lifetime since we've had a baby in the family.
I have been working in the same job for nearly six years. I got given full time hours, then promoted. I love working face to face with the customers, I have a lot of passion in what I do.. But I do not see how people stop. I couldn't leave, having a child has become more and more unrealistic because I will never find the time in my busy schedule. I'm 28 years old, Work full time and rent a studio flat. It's frustrating that if I just earn a little bit more, I could probably be renting a house instead. I feel like at this age, I should be much better off. Times are hard.. so just thinking that when I was 10, Being married with a house and a baby seemed like such an easy thing.. It makes me want to slap the 10 year old me for being so ridiculous, but I just cannot stop thinking about it. I have just come out of a two and a half relationship and people always ask me if I can afford the rent on my own. That's why I moved here. I'm really organised, it's close to work. It's my own space. I can do what I want and not have to answer to anybody. Sure some months are tight but what they really mean, is "You are nearly 30 and you live in a studio flat because you don't have a husband." I have always been pretty independent and I do not like the feeling that I'm getting that people think I cannot achieve what I want on my own. I do not know if I want a child or to be married. I would like a house though, That would be fantastic. I would love to have a house and have it how I want it.. I don't want to answer to anyone. I'm being developed at work and hopefully it will lead to a better paid position.
Ending point, If people hadn't suggested to me when I was a teenager that all I was good for was being a teenage mother, I wouldn't have stuck to my guns and had the work ethic I have now. I am always there for my family 110% and I am quite close to all my sisters. We all have a separate bond that's different. I think 10 year old girls need better role models.. Maybe Disney should make a film with someone who has a fantastic career and has real goals and celebrates the best achievements in her life because they are stepping stones to what she wants to work hard for instead of pretty princesses who are swept off their feet and you never really know how the marriage works out..
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