Life Navigation

I am the type of person who likes to be fully in control of every single aspect of their life, However sometimes we all become complacent and just let things happen.. We go with the flow and just let life drift along. It makes you fall back to reality with a bump when you realise that this isn't what you planned, even if you didn't have a plan, you know for sure that this isn't what it would be. The fact that I'm nearly 30 has been troubling me for the past three years. I've never ever had issues with age, Never worried about it at all.. but all of a sudden I am thinking about this constantly. It makes me think to someone asking when when I was a girl, I thought I would be married with a house and a baby by the time I was 25 and since it seemed ages away, I never really gave it much thought.. I like to be in control and I will not do what others suggest and I will not do what other people told me to do. I'm quite stubborn like that and I've been assured that it's purely genetic.

The first hit of procrastination in the greater scheme of things was the fact that as a teenager, you become the baby sitter for your siblings and any other random 30-something with kids that your parents know. I used to find it easy, growing up in a large family it's second nature to me to take care of little ones.. Also, I am also pretty OCD and I cannot look at a dirty kitchen so I used to get the baby or children to sleep and clean the kitchen because I was "bored". It made me a very popular baby sitter.. It's easier than saying, Why is your kitchen so filthy.. Anyway, The marvels I performed as a cleaner seemed to go unnoticed because clearly, I was so good with children that I had time to blitz the kitchen when clearly, The parents never found the time.. They would say, "Oh you are so good with children.. When are you going to have your own?" I'm sure in some way, Saying this to a single teenager is what's wrong with society . However, I got this response so often I started telling them I didn't want to have any children. When you say something enough, It actually starts to become true.

I don't know about anyone else, but when you tell someone with Children that you don't want Children of your own.. They look horrified.. They look at you with a look that makes you think you might have said you kill children. I've had this for years. When my cousin had her first daughter, I used to go round everyday, help her with the baby and help her get the shopping done.. I didn't have to clean her kitchen.. Her partner was a bit of a control freak and I didn't mind just playing with the baby. I went into full-time helper mode when my sister had a son. She had him at 18 and obviously, I'm 18 months older than she is.. I helped her out a lot.. I cleaned her kitchen.. It bought us a lot closer. We spent so much time together looking after my nephew the three of us had a really nice bond. I did what any normal person would do when their teenage sister has a baby. I did what any older sister would do.. and people were like, "Oh you are so good with your nephew, When are you going to have your own?" I was single.. and nearly a twenty-something..

As much as I loved my nephew, It was not the life that I wanted for myself. I used to have a bit of a four week rule on relationships. Somehow, I had become very commitment phobic.. I don't know whether I was scared of being stuck with someone, I don't know. One of my first relationships, I was put under quite a lot of pressure from my mother to get rid of him. Even though he had a really nice smile, She didn't want him in her house. I later figured out that I think she was scared someone was going to take me away. People used to ask me out and I'd say no because my life was just too busy. One of my biggest problems is that I make myself busy. I think if you come from a big family like ours, You either really want a big family or you don't. I don't think I could handle it. I think that's why out of the six siblings, Two so far have become parents. I am very happy being Auntie. I always have been. My nephew is now nine years old. My other sister has another nephew for me on the way. I am excited. It feels like a lifetime since we've had a baby in the family.

I have been working in the same job for nearly six years. I got given full time hours, then promoted. I love working face to face with the customers, I have a lot of passion in what I do.. But I do not see how people stop. I couldn't leave, having a child has become more and more unrealistic because I will never find the time in my busy schedule. I'm 28 years old, Work full time and rent a studio flat. It's frustrating that if I just earn a little bit more, I could probably be renting a house instead. I feel like at this age, I should be much better off. Times are hard.. so just thinking that when I was 10, Being married with a house and a baby seemed like such an easy thing.. It makes me want to slap the 10 year old me for being so ridiculous, but I just cannot stop thinking about it. I have just come out of a two and a half relationship and people always ask me if I can afford the rent on my own. That's why I moved here. I'm really organised, it's close to work. It's my own space. I can do what I want and not have to answer to anybody. Sure some months are tight but what they really mean, is "You are nearly 30 and you live in a studio flat because you don't have a husband." I have always been pretty independent and I do not like the feeling that I'm getting that people think I cannot achieve what I want on my own. I do not know if I want a child or to be married. I would like a house though, That would be fantastic. I would love to have a house and have it how I want it.. I don't want to answer to anyone. I'm being developed at work and hopefully it will lead to a better paid position.

Ending point, If people hadn't suggested to me when I was a teenager that all I was good for was being a teenage mother, I wouldn't have stuck to my guns and had the work ethic I have now. I am always there for my family 110% and I am quite close to all my sisters. We all have a separate bond that's different. I think 10 year old girls need better role models.. Maybe Disney should make a film with someone who has a fantastic career and has real goals and celebrates the best achievements in her life because they are stepping stones to what she wants to work hard for instead of pretty princesses who are swept off their feet and you never really know how the marriage works out..